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‘A Cautionary Tale’

02 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by juleslewis in Wine

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Shopping, Wine

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“If you were born to walk the ground,

 Remain there; do not fool around”     Belloc

For those of you who have just emerged from the self-imposed misery of a ‘Dry January’, it’s time to charge your glasses and raise a toast to the demise of the calendar’s dreariest month.

But before you rush to set those cash registers ringing, with your newly refurbished bank balances and bonuses. Let me offer up some words of warning for those of you considering buying from an independent wine merchant.

The wines they sell can be exciting:

A tad risky, I grant you. Independents tend to shy away from bland, boring, insipid wines. If you prefer neutral, alcoholic, fruit-juicy pap then stop reading now!

Their wines don’t all taste the same:

That’s right, they are often deliberately different. There will also be vintage variation (it’s hard to make a wine taste the same year in year out). This is due to weather – don’t worry I won’t bore you with detail – but expect the tannin, acid and alcohol ratios to change as the seasons do. They may be drier than the wines you are used to and may not have any residual sugar left in to make them ‘smooth’.

If this strikes fear into your heart, then insist that your wines be manufactured to a formula in vast industrial factories, on drip irrigated parched plains, to ensure homogeneity. If they refuse, you know where to go – and there’s a car park!

And what about those labels! You have point here. It’s confusing to call a wine after a region, property, vineyard, plot or person. Better to give it a legend like; The Bend in the Elbow, The Devil’s Punchbowl, Cougar’s Claw, or Dunny Ridge. And as for those pesky grape varieties! My advice is to stick to one of the tried and tested ‘big five’ or alternatively look for a brand with a small marsupial, lizard or fish on it.

They sometimes offer advice:

This is a bit unnerving, and particularly unwelcome if you if you don’t care that much about wine. Independents are cheeky buggers who may seek to steer you into unknown territory – where few civilised folk have drank before. If in doubt, try and get something akin to a cheap, ‘own label’ Merlot as it goes great with red meat. Besides who needs knowledgeable staff when it’s easier to intimidate untrained ones. And if they do offer you something to taste just pretend you have a cold and leave quickly.

They don’t do promos or bogofs’:

There are many reasons for this. They may not have enough c**p stockpiled to offer a promotion. The cost of the wines may also be transparent – reducing the need for them to go up and down like a politicians trousers. Of course if you really believe that you are getting ten pounds worth of quality for a fiver, best to stick with a supermarket. They will have a huge marketing machine that has psychologically profiled you to make you think you are actually in charge of the decision making process.

They’re a bit snobby:

Yes, kind of, but this is a common phenomenon found everywhere; from car showrooms, bike, skate and surf outlets, fashion retailers, art galleries, music and bookshops to purveyors of high end training shoes. It’s because some level of expertise is essential. If you find this hard to swallow look out for minimalist shelf talkers that say ‘Good with Fish’.

They’re a bit Green:

I know, I know – who bloody voted for them?  If you prefer your wines to have a gigantic carbon footprint or be shipped around the globe by the container load (in 24,000 litre polypropylene bladders) and bottled at the local dockyard you know you’re in the wrong place. Big bags equal big business. Some independents even buy their wines from Europe -usually from small artisan growers who farm organically or biodynamically. Bloody tree huggers!

I’m already a member of a wine club:

Ah yes, let me guess; the £50 voucher, the free corkscrew and set of real crystal glasses, plus something off your next order if you recommend a friend. Did you ever stop to taste those wines, or consider why no one comes to dinner anymore? I know they insist that they champion small producers and vineyards but did you ever stop to wonder why there’s such an inexhaustible supply.

My local wine merchant has closed down:

So sad. They have gone the way of grocers, bakers, chemists, newsagents, fishmongers, butchers and petrol stations. If your high street is filled with charity shops, coffee shops, chain stores and tumbleweeds, don’t moan – it may be partly your fault, but you can still get all those things from your local supermarket.

If you live in the back of beyond, you will be forced to go online. Be mindful though as some wine websites are owned by the kind of innovative small businesses you’re so keen to avoid.  Go for the big ones as they have money off as well as twenty three different kinds of Pinot Grigio.

I really couldn’t give a **** about wine:

Wine’s a pain actually. It’s more complex than lager and it doesn’t get you p****d as fast as vodka – unless it’s got bubbles.  Besides you’ve tried loads of wines and whilst some are nicer than others you don’t really care that much as long as it’s cheap and there’s lots of it. I fully sympathise with your plight and suggest you make sure you chill it right down to hide any faults – or more importantly taste!

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Incentive Clothing

18 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by juleslewis in Musings

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Tags

Body Image, Clothing, diet, Shopping, Weight loss

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I am ever an advocate of well fitting clothes, but there are pitfalls. Avoid snug (see aurora sartorialis) or you will fall victim to that dread phenomenon, the desire to purchase incentive clothing.

Incentive clothes are clothes bought with the express desire to lose weight. You know the drill, you walk into a shop and pick up a range of stuff designed for a younger and slimmer you – perhaps this is how you see yourself, or imagine yourself to be. If I get these, you think, it will encourage me to lose weight.

If you lack a full length mirror, consider the following; the wrong collar size causes redness of the face, enhances the reptilian or old poultry effect of the neck and makes people think you are having a seizure.

The wrong shirt size just makes you appear fat, desperately unaware of moobage and, if combined with trousers of an inappropriate waistline, draws attention to the love handles (although these can balance the moobs giving a curvy and voluptuous silhouette).

A small jacket is not only tight under the arms, but places uncommon strain at the mid button , which , if expelled or propelled, may result in a lost eye and consequently a large insurance claim.

Shortness of trouser may be rectified in two ways: a) rub something sweet on your shoes in the hope that they will descend for something to eat, or b) stop getting your Mum to take them up (she will still be using a template from your teens) and go to a good alteration tailor.

Lastly, be realistic, if you enjoy food and wine ( the very slim dislike both) accept this fact gracefully –  buy clothes that fit and be prepared to reject that second helping.

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Wineclubbing

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by juleslewis in Wine

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Christmas, Shopping, Wine, Wine Club

Me and my girl wineclubbing, nightclubbing, sealclubbing – come on sing a long!

A cornucopia of wine club literature is currently cascading, uninvited, through the door. Probably because I fall into a particular marketing bracket and appear on, bought in, lists as an alphabetical statistic. Plus, rather ruthlessly, there are only 104 shopping days till Christmas!

“How do you know this” – You may ask. Well, I used to write wine club copy in a former life. I tried to do it with a sense of humour – see below, but found that I could not marry the product of glorified gardening, made by passionate artisans, with a free clock radio.

“….In the cool of the morning, when the dew is still heavy on the earth, and the morning sun is vying for dominance with a large limpid moon, a hardy, yet merry, band of pickers descend on the vineyards to pluck the firm, plump fruits of the vine. These jovial vendangeurs are the eldest sons of generations of handlers of the golden secateurs, who lovingly and carefully tease the ripe berries into their panniers. Once picked, the berries are crushed beneath the delicate feet of former dancers of the Corps de Ballet…..” Alright, you’ve rumbled us! This is straightforward honest to goodness plonk for early drinking, at a not to be missed price.

Still with me?

Now I have nothing against wine clubs per se, but I do take umbrage at misleading and often bogus incentives. These are rife in the UK, and may exist for up to two weeks without legislation. You know the type of thing “Was £9.99, now only £3.99” Like **** it was! Where and when, you may ask, was it ever £9.99? It is £3.99 and tastes accordingly.

My other favourite is “Was £100 for 12 bottles now only £50”. “Save over £50 a case and get a free corkscrew” (bbq, wine glasses, clock radio). Now I know that most people are suckers for a free corkscrew, but come on – where do these wines come from and who makes them? Surprisingly, some do have known provenance and can be traced back to source, although others have rather dubious parentage.

Another ploy is to use a strapline from a famous wine writer, wine maker or vintage report, stating something along the lines of ” 2011 was a great vintage in the Rhone , the wines were sweet and ripe with excellent fruit and longevity”. This may not apply to the wine in your hands, but you are not going to send it back are you?

Despite the guaranteed refund – if it fails to satisfy, you are reluctant to pay the postage and you have already broken the free corkscrew.   And, more importantly you know a bargain when you see one – don’t you?

infografic courtesy of http://www.corksout.com/whats-in-your-bottle

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Aurora Sartorialis

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by juleslewis in Musings

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Tags

Clothing, Fashion, Shopping

An aurora, or indeed aura, of sartorialism is endemic these days. Celebriania, fixes us with the atmospheric beam of consumeramania, it’s charged particles guiding us as rabbit disciples towards the next, new, look.

As someone who spends a great deal of time in t-shirts and flip-flops  – volcom and havaianas – at time of writing. I remain, as yet, unmoved by pectoral implants, eyebrow threading, Inquisitionistic hair removal techniques – I will not be drawn into detail – and the myriad preoccupations currently taxing the ever decreasing mind of metrosexual man.

But I would like to draw your attention, and concern, to one observation – “Your clothing is too tight sir”. We are currently gripped with an excessive desire to wear a younger – and considerably smaller and slimmer – mans clothes. Younger brothers regularly steal their older sibling’s kit, and I still have suits made for my father, uncle and grandfather, but now the roles are reversed. Imagine, if you dare, your own father donning his grandson’s clothing in an attempt to look like a member of One Dimension – no it is not a typo.

Get the picture, if not get a full length mirror! Tight clothes make you look fat, small clothes make you look poor or imply that you have failed to aquaint yourself with the cycles of your washing machine. Buy quality clothes that fit, they will last if you stay off the pies! My apologies to Mr Dermot O’Leary.

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“Faugues”

09 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by juleslewis in Musings

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Tags

Fashion, Shoes, Shopping

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A faugue is a fake or faux brogue, a broguealike or broguette, if you prefer. I see a lot of these on my travels, and they do not make “a good foot”. They lack gravitas, unlike their ancestor the untanned, untamed, rough hewn, manly shoe of the Scottish Highlands. You cannot wade through bogs in the “faugue”, it is an indoor pump, a dancers shoe, more suited to silently crossing a room to kiss a lady’s hand than collecting a bird carcass at a shoot. They don’t like rain, saturating easily, the thinness of their soles readily curling up in the manner of a sultan’s slipper. My father once said that a man should never economise on his shoes nor his bed – because if he is not in one he is in the other – Say no to faux.

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